Caleb's Birth
by The Plushie Bandit
Summary: A sidestory to Between Dreams and Reality. How many of you wondered how Ed would act in labor when pregnant with Caleb? Well, here's your chance to find out! Happy birthday Becci! [EdRoy with mpreg]


Bandit- Okay, before I get maimed for not providing a BDAR chapter, just let me explain a few things. This idea wouldn't leave me be, because the opportunity popped up like twice in my other story. Question: How would Ed act if he were in labor? This is basically a side chapter to Between Dreams and Reality while Roy is stuck in his fantasy (only difference is Shayla is alive). This is dedicated to my friend Becci, who just happens to be one of my betas. It's her birthday! (grins and begins to sing off-key) HAAAAAPPPPPYYYY BIRRRRTTTTTHHHD-- (bricked to death)

Ed- Thank you!

Zoro- No problem.

Disclaimer- Heh. I wish.

(A/N)- Those of you who have read BDAR will get this. Those of you who haven't, don't bother flaming me for writing a mpreg, because I'm not gonna bother explaining to you why none of this story is real in the first place. If you don't like mpregs, be mature about it and don't read. Flames will be scoffed at and in the end you'll look like an ass, so just don't. If anyone does, I don't mind replying with a few words for ya.

Everyone still with me? Okay then, READ!

* * *

Fuhrer Roy Mustang was a master at hiding his true emotions, no matter what the circumstances. He was the one who kept calm when things got rough, the one who could flatter his way out of death, the one who used to-- and still could-- woo women off their feet in a heartbeat, the one wh-- 

Ed let out another scream and Roy flinched. "What the hell are they doing to him!" he hissed, halting in his steps.

Hughes looked up at Roy and grinned. "Wow, he must be going into labor early." The tall man casually looked at his watch. "Yep, seems like the baby wants out now."

The entire Mustang unit was inside the waiting room, waiting patiently for the birth of the Fuhrer's first child. Shayla sat on the couch, staring intently at the ER door while Havoc and Fury took up the love seat. Hawkeye decided to stand. Roy had started pacing the moment they'd wheeled off an annoyed Ed, and Hughes was watching the man for any signs of emotional breakdown. It wasn't a matter of if, but when.

"Well, can't the baby wait?" Roy growled, fidgeting noticeably. "He sounds like someone stabbed him in the throat!"

"Please, getting stabbed is cake compared to this." Shayla snickered softly from her position on the couch, loving every minute of Roy's fear. "Ah, the joys of labor…" she sighed, then burst into laughter.

"Now now, Shayla," Hughes reproved with a mischievous glint in his eye. "No teasing the daddy." Both of them started giggling.

"One more word out of either of you and I'll show you what hell looks like," Roy deadpanned, his fingers rubbing together. If anything, the pair started laughing harder. As long as Ed was in labor, Roy wouldn't risk setting anything on fire.

"This is why I advised against you wearing your gloves, sir," Hawkeye told him. She cast a glance at both Shayla and Hughes until they gulped sheepishly and shut up.

Ed screamed again, this time words accompanying the screeching. "I WILL FUCKIN' KILL HIM!" After that, more yells and shouts accompanied Ed's. They resembled screams of agony.

Roy shuddered and moved away from the ER door, half expecting his lover to come stomping through, stomach the size as a planet, arm transmuted into a blade and murder in his eyes… all the while still having contraction pains.

"Damn, you are one dead man if you get near him for the next few hours," Hughes whistled. "Gracia was _never _that vocal."

Mustang could swear Hughes was enjoying this. "I hate you so much," Roy told him. "I hope you run into a pissed mother bear and get your ass mauled." In response, Hughes threw his head back and roared with laughter.

At that exact moment a nurse came flying through the doors, face stricken as if she'd gone into battle and seen hell itself.

Roy rushed to meet her. "Is he alright?" he asked urgently.

Instead of replying, the woman stared up at him with fear etched in her brown eyes. Then she broke down crying on Roy's shoulder. "He kept screaming at me!" she sobbed, digging her face deeper into the Fuhrer's coat. "And he kept cussing and promising to send everyone to the gate and-- and--"

Everyone stared at the woman, then at the ER door where Ed's screams kept rocketing out of. "Well…" Hughes coughed. "He's seems to be doing fine…"

"Yeah, he's doing fine alright," Havoc drawled from the love seat. "I still say we should have gotten him drunk before coming here."

Fury shot the man a look. "That would've hurt the baby!"

"Yeah well, now the baby's hurtin' Ed. Equivalent Exchange."

Roy patted the flinching woman on the back, trying not to break down into tears himself. "It's alright Miss," he soothed awkwardly, his normal suaveness evaporating at the prospect of a homicidal lover. "Edward's just a little high-strung…"

"He's gonna string you up by your balls, Roy…" Shayla muttered. Sighing, she rolled off the couch and walked closer to the ER door. "I think one of us should go check up on him." Maybe the sight of his friends would help calm him down…

The sobbing woman almost screamed at the proposal. "NO! Don't go in there!"

"Haven't you seen a pregnant lady?" Havoc asked, a bit annoyed. "I've seen some that screamed louder than Ed. What's wrong with you?"

In a flash the woman was in his face, snarling like an animal. "Well, how would you like a blade almost shoved up your ass?" Havoc backed away, eyes wide and fearful.

Roy paled. "How many?" He could see headlines now: **PREGNANT FULLMETAL SLAUGHTERS ROOM FULL OF NURSES BEFORE BEHEADING THE FUHRER.**

"I don't know!" The nurse came dangerously close to crying again. "One minute he was okay and the next minute people are scrambling to get back and there was a flash of light and he waved his blade around like a madman and--and the blood was everywhere!" She burst into tears and fell to the floor.

Everyone knew it wasn't Ed's blood she was referring to.

"I'M GONNA RIP YOUR DICK OFF, TRANSMUTE IT INTO A BLADE AND STAB YOU MUSTANG!" More screams of pain from people that weren't Edward.

Roy moaned low in his throat and cursed his infatuation for blondes with nasty vengeful streaks.

Hughes was the first to speak up. "Roy… I promise to help Ed raise the child when you die."

"As will I," Shayla said sagely.

"Sir, I expect you to finish your paper work before Ed kills you."

Roy almost choked on his tongue and whirled to look at Hawkeye in disbelief.

"The apocalypse has come," Havoc announced in awe. "Ed will finally kill Roy and Hawkeye made a joke."

The blonde sniper turned toward Havoc. "Actually, I was serious."

"Oh… false alarm."

Roy stared at them in shock. "I'm about to die in the next hour and you're laughing about it?"

Shayla looked everywhere but the Fuhrer. "Of course we don't think it's funny…" she started, "We just…"

"Are sadistic bastards," Havoc finished for her.

"No, that's you Havoc," Fury sighed. "Why are you being so mean today?" he whispered toward his lover.

"About time Roy got his," was the reply.

Another person came bursting from the ER, but this one was covered in blood. A nasty cut on his side bled rapidly, and a trail of red stretched out behind him. "Someone get the husband!" he screamed, frantic. "At this rate he'll kill everyone in there!"

"…Isn't that the doctor?" Shayla commented in confusion.

Roy made no move to go forward, and in the end it was Hughes who elected to enter the ER. "I'll go ahead and check things out…" His face grim, the man checked to make sure his knives were with him. No point in going unarmed.

"No Maes…" Roy stepped in front of him. "I--should go."

Hughes didn't put up a fight. "Well, if that's what ya want!" The tall man hugged Roy tightly, causing the other to sputter. "You were like a brother to me…" he sniffed. "Damn, I'm gonna miss ya."

"Hey Fuhrer," Havoc called, jumping up from the chair and walking over toward Roy. "Here." He held out a cigarette. "You know, last pleasure for you and all…" Roy snatched it, lit it with his glove and inhaled deeply. Ten seconds later the stick was nothing but ash. Havoc raised an eyebrow in surprise. "Impressive."

"Used to smoke," Roy answered, more calm than before. The nicotine helped. _'I can do this,' _he chanted, and began his march to a painful death. _'I can do this. I'm the Fuhrer now, and I can handle anything.'_

"MUSTANG!" Ed howled. "DIE!"

Mustang did a hasty about-face. "I can _not _do this!"

"Roy!" Hughes grabbed onto him before the man ran out the hospital. "Roy! Calm down!"

"God Maes… I don't want to die," Roy told him, struggling to get away. "He will _kill _me."

"Come on, man! Courage!"

Fed up with the entire display, Shayla started for the ER door. "We'll _all _go," she said in exasperation. This was ridiculous. It was only Edward in there…

"… We will?" Fury asked.

"Um, Shayla… I have a wife and kid to go home to…"

The Ishbalan cast Hughes a dark look. "Oh come on! This is Edward! He's not going to kill anyone!" Men were nothing but babies when it came to matters of pregnancy.

"Well, I'm happy you have so much confidence in that theory," Havoc said. "But some of us aren't willing to test it out." Even Hawkeye gave a doubtful glance toward the ER.

Ed yelled out, for once not promising to do Roy any harm. "GET IT OUT OF ME!" He sobbed. "GET IT OUT OR GIVE ME THE BLADE!"

"He doesn't mean he'll kill himself, does he?" Fury asked, already on his feet.

'_Oh hell no.'_ In that moment, Roy's worry for Ed's state of mind and health overruled his fear of death. He sprinted into the ER with everyone close on his heels.

Ed grunted and howled in pain while on the bed, legs raised and spread apart with a sheet tossed over him. The entire room was a mess. The blood from those unlucky nurses and doctors covered both him and the floor with its stickiness. Equipment had been turned over in the mad rush to get out of Ed's range. "UGH! UGH!"

"Mr. Elric," one nurse said weakly, not getting too close. "Just keep pushing!" She was the last one in there; everyone else had fled.

"PUSH WHERE, YOU PISS POOR EXCUSE FOR A NURSE!" Ed growled. "I HAVE NO VAGINA AND MY ASS CAN ONLY STRETCH SO FUCKIN' FAR!"

"Um…" The woman looked like she'd rather be anywhere but the room she was in. "Just… keep pushing!"

The woman was pissing him off. In his pained state, that translated to 'swim in her blood' and Ed was crazed enough to attempt it. "Nurse Joooyyyyy…" he called, his blade glinting. "Come heerrrreeeee….."

"Edward, you know you can't kill her," Roy chided, stepping aside so the woman could flee. The Fuhrer marched over and gave the man a shake of the head. "Really, you can't even have a baby without putting everyone in danger."

Roy's presence was so… astonishing, that Ed found himself at a loss. Then he realized it was _Mustang_, and took a swing with his blade. "BASTARD THIS IS ALL YOUR FUCKIN' FAULT!"

Not fazed, the Flame Alchemist moved out of the way. "Edward, put the blade away."

"NO!" Ed snapped childishly. "I WANT SOMEONE TO DIE SO I CAN FEEL BETTER!" And then his face twisted up into agony once again. "AGHHHH!"

Roy chuckled and slipped behind Edward, wrapping his arms around the shaking shoulders and moving some hair sticking to the man's sweat drenched brow. "I think our child wants out," Roy whispered softly. Ed could only whine and tremble. "Hughes?"

The man peeked his head around the corner. "Right here."

"Get some warm towels," he ordered, immediately taking control of the situation. "And grab some sterile knives while you're at it. We'll have to make our own opening." As an afterthought, he added, "And get everyone in here." Might as well have everyone present for this.

Hughes gave a quick salute and ran to fetch the unit and items.

"S-should've… taken Havoc's advice," Ed moaned while wriggling in Roy's embrace. "A hangover is a small price to pay."

Roy's warm breath tickled Ed's ear as he laughed softly. "Come on," he announced, "Let's get this baby out."

* * *

"Well… I must say…" The doctor could only look sheepish and highly unprofessional while in the Fuhrer's presence. "Sir, I'm very sorry about all this." 

Expecting this apology, Roy gave him a nod. "Don't worry about it, doctor. Edward is a patient that requires years of experience to deal with." From the corner of his eye, Roy saw a calm Ed hold their son tenderly, looking ever the proud parent.

"I'm still very sorry, but I give you my congratulations…"

"You don't have to worry about your job, doctor," Roy said smoothly, smirking inwardly at the man's embarrassed look. "You did a good job dealing with him." He turned to go to Edward. "My hopes that your wound heals soon."

"He's so adorable!" Shayla gushed, gently stroking a soft cheek. "Oh my gosh, what are you gonna name him?"

Ed appeared thoughtful before coming to a quick decision. "I like the name Caleb…"

"That's a fine name," Roy said when he reached them. Ed could've suggested the name Ishbala and Roy would agree; right now it would be suicidal to go against Ed's wishes.

"Caleb…" The golden haired let the name roll of his tongue. "Yeah… I like that."

"It is a good name," Hawkeye conceded. A rare smile graced her lips, the happy atmosphere infecting her as well.

Hughes flashed Ed a grin. "Caleb, eh?" Cooing at the sleeping child, the man told him, "Kid, you have the craziest parents on the planet. Don't worry though, your aunts and uncles will make sure they don't kill you."

Ed glowered. "After all that, there's no way I'm killing my own son!" Suddenly the man yawned loudly, not bothering to suppress it.

"I think the mother needs some rest," Havoc quipped after he and Fury had met the newest addition to Mustang's unit. Ed _did _look pretty worn out.

"Anyone who calls me that again will be transmuted into a diaper."

Everyone gulped and said a hasty farewell before making a mad dash for the door.

"That certainly did the trick," Roy mused. He took his seat behind Ed, resting his head on the boy's noggin and peering down at the sleeping baby. The child obviously favored Roy's face, but had been blessed with Ed's golden locks and eyes. "He'll be quite the looker when he grows up…"

"Yeah," Ed sighed. His own lids started to fall. "He's beautiful, isn't he?" Ed whispered.

Roy heard the exhaustion in Ed's voice. "Go ahead and go to sleep."

The man hummed in appreciation. "Keep an eye on Caleb…"

Roy pulled back and took the child from Ed's grasp. "Alright."

Ed apparently didn't hear him, letting sleep claim him fully. He'd had a long day.

The Fuhrer gave Ed one last smile, glad that his lover was finally at peace. As he walked toward the door, Roy took this time to let the truth set over him. He had a son… He and Ed had made a child together… (1)

A burst of pride hit him square in the chest, and Roy struggled to regain control of his emotions. Something that couldn't be tears almost ran down his face. It had to be admitted he hadn't been this happy since he and Ed confessed their love for each other, and now…

For the first time in his life, Roy felt… complete and whole.

"At least Hughes will stop bugging me," he said to himself, grinning widely.

"Roy?" Ed called out sleepily.

Roy turned to look over his shoulder. "Yes?"

"I top next time, or otherwise no sex for a year."

"Your mother is a sadist," Roy told Caleb forlornly.

* * *

(1)- I shall state this here. This is a fan fiction! I know how pregnancies work, and men don't have the organs to give birth. So don't go shouting about how I know nothing and am stupid for writing this. If you flame me, chances are you haven't read Between Dreams and Reality and just have too much time on your hands. That is all. 

And there you have it folks. I apologize for any spelling errors or whatnot. I wrote this one the spur of the moment, and I must admit it turned out better than I thought… Well, hoped you liked your present, Becci! (huggles) And I hoped everyone enjoyed this! (scuttles off to sleep)


End file.
